Why Not Me?
H. Scott Prosterman
A VOTE FOR ME IS A VOTE FOR ME!
"Vote for me before its too late to save your souls." OK, maybe
that one's a little strong. I've been kicking around campaign slogans
because I've decided to throw my name into the hat. . . . for President,
In 2000, I was gonna' vote for Gore, then Ralph, then Gore
again, and then I thought. Hey, why not me? I'm maybe not as smart as Ralph,
but I'm at least as smart as those other two, and I DID major in
International Studies, so I'm a perfect fit for the job. Besides, I like to
make speeches, and somebody once said I looked good on TV.
So vote for me, H. Scott Prosterman for President of the United
States. I'm old enough, I'm smart enough, and I'm good enough. Besides that,
gosh darnnit, people LIKE me! Now I'm starting to sound like Stuart Smalley.
And while Al Franken is an inspiration, Iím my own man with a little of
Stuart Smalleyís can-doism. And I promise never to use that word again.
Seriously though, I have strong opinions on most of the issues, and as dear,
close personal friends and relatives of mine, I'm sure you know how I feel
about them. Hey, I pull no punches. You want to know how I feel about
something, just ask me. I'll tell you. And that's what we need as President.
I KNOW what "is" is. Nobody has to tell me. Also, I didnít go
to Yale and my Daddy was never President. Furthermore, Iím not beholden to
the Texas energy companies, global engineering conglomerates, the timber and
commercial fishing industries, acid rain generators, arms merchants, Big
Tobacco, Big Oil, Big Chemistry or Big Church. None of them have ever
contributed to any of my past campaigns. So think of me as a vote you can
really feel good about.
At one time I thought I'd never pass the background check if I
decided to run for major office. But now, thanks to Brother Bill, I'M
PRESIDENTIAL MATERIAL!!!!!!!!!!! I DID inhale, and I freely admit. But I
also exhaled. Thereís value in that, not to mention political capitol. I
grew up in the South, so I know how valuable candor is to the American
people. If that doesnít make sense, just read or see any Tennessee Williams
play and youíll know.
Furthermore, I am, have always been, and shall continue to
remain a committed FLAMING HETEROSEXUAL. Times have gotten tougher for
flaming male heterosexuals since I was in college, and that's one of the
things I'm going to fix WHEN I AM ELECTED. So vote for me, H. Scott
Prosterman as your next president.
Before somebody goes accusing me of going off on some ego trip
or something, let me assure you unequivocally that I'm fully aware of the
serious time commitment this entails. I know that when I become president I
won't have as much time to swim or nap, even on weekends. So, this
undertaking is not without sacrifices. And Iím sure there will be days when
I have to have aids brief me on Sportscenter highlights. But those are the
kinds of sacrifices Iím prepared to make. Iím not afraid to roll up my
sleeves and earn my salary. You'll be able to say you knew me when . . .
In the interest of campaign finance reform, I am not accepting
campaign contributions. But as a bona-fide presidential candidate, I
reserved the right to flip-flop on this. This is where you come in. If all
my friends on my e-mail list, e-mail all their/your friends on your e-mail
list, and ask them to do the same; then by next month, I expect to have
California, New York, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Illinois, the Virgin Islands,
Minnesota, Ohio, Ontario*, Georgia and Tennessee in my pocket. Iím
conceding Texas, but if my high school and college buddies come through, we
can also take Mississippi and Arkansas. Since Memphis is in those states
too, that almost makes me a native. See, Iíve got a lot going for me.
I'm still not sure how to campaign in the states where I don't
know that many people, but maybe you folks can help. If you live in a Red
state, I can really use your help. I live in a Blue state, but I grew up in
a Red state, surrounded by other Red states. And I have a lot of family in
Red states, so my chances are good.
You gotta' admit, it's time for a change, right? And who better
than me as your next Prez, huh? You will all be invited to snooze (bunkover
or nap) in the Lincoln Bedroom, pending availability. And those of you
who've treated me REALLY well over the years are in line for
ambassadorships. My uncle Mel from Florida was an ambassador. He earned his
post by raising millions of dollars for both Bushís in Florida. Honestly,
now does that seem hard? Iím looking forward to replacing Uncle Mel with
someone from the other side of the family. But since Uncle Melís also
family, Iíll let him keep a room in the embassy and his credentials. See,
Iím bi-partisan too, unlike the current occupant of the White House.
OK, enough small talk -- it's get out the vote time. Spread the
Oh yeah, my platform. You gotta' have heart and you gotta' have
a platform. It was Ringo Starr who said, "you gotta have 'art," when what he
meant was "heart." Those Brits, like most foreigners have accents, but
unlike my adversorry, Pat Buchanan, I think cultural diversity is enriching
for this country, and has given us a lot more good Indian and Thai
restaurants. We have 17 Indian restaurants here in Berkeley, servicing a
population of 100,000. There are even more in San Francisco. Is this a
great country or what?
But anyway, I was talking about my platform, or I was about to.
My platform is my favorite toast, which many of you have been privileged to
hear me recite: ďGood sex, good food, good humor, good friends, good herbs,
financial security, world peace and spiritual fulfillment in general.Ē I
have position papers on all these things. If anyone has anything else to
add, I am, of course, open to suggestions. After all, I'm a presidential
candidate now and I think you'll find that I'm more accessible and
approachable than ever. So try me.
And if anyone wants to be a campaign manager for a particular
state or territory, please reply by Friday night, so we'll have some time to
I feel good about this, and I like my chances. I'm in this to
win, not just for the experience.
Qualifications: I was on student government at Michigan.
-I organized the campaign to save the $5 Fine in Ann Arbor.
-I've voted in almost every election since I've been eligible.
-I got a B in Civics at Richland Jr. High, even though I did A
work.(Story of my life.)
-I'm tri-lingual; I've tried a lot of languages but only really
-I learned how to haggle in the Arab markets of Cairo, Amman and
-I can work with constituents and adversarial colleagues alike,
as evidenced by my having friends and associates all across the political
spectrum from Ibo Tusi (Marxist leader of the nation of Acrrabu and former
classmate) to Ronnie Landau (Jewish Republican from Memphis who supports Pat
Buchanan). (Only one of those people is fictitious, can you
See, when I'm President, we'll have some fun too. I'm not ALL
business, you know, and that's an image I've been fighting all my life. I
mean, my work ethic is great, but not THAT GREAT. I know how to party a
little too. Anyway, I hope I haven't understated my message or the cause. So
"Vote for me, H. Scott Prosterman, for President and feel better fast!"
Love Ya Madly,
H. Scott Prosterman For President in '04.
*Officially, Ontario is a Canadian province, but one of my first acts as
president will be to swap Montana for Ontario with Canada. Since Windsor is
actually south of Detroit and Montana looks and feels like a Canadian
province, I expect theyíll go for it.