Why
Not Me?
H. Scott Prosterman
scottp33@earthlink.net
A
VOTE FOR ME IS A VOTE FOR ME!
"Vote for me before its too late to save your souls." OK,
maybe
that one's a little strong. I've been kicking around campaign slogans
because
I've decided to throw my name into the hat. . . . for President,
what else?
In 2000, I was gonna' vote for Gore, then Ralph, then Gore
again,
and then I thought. Hey, why not me? I'm maybe not as smart as Ralph,
but
I'm at least as smart as those other two, and I DID major in
International
Studies, so I'm a perfect fit for the job. Besides, I like to
make
speeches, and somebody once said I looked good on TV.
So vote for me, H. Scott Prosterman for President of the United
States.
I'm old enough, I'm smart enough, and I'm good enough. Besides that,
gosh
darnnit, people LIKE me! Now I'm starting to sound like Stuart Smalley.
And
while Al Franken is an inspiration, I’m my own man with a little of
Stuart
Smalley’s can-doism. And I promise
never to use that word again.
Seriously though, I have strong opinions on
most of the issues, and as dear,
close personal friends and relatives of
mine, I'm sure you know how I feel
about them. Hey, I pull no punches. You
want to know how I feel about
something, just ask me. I'll tell you. And
that's what we need as President.
I KNOW what "is" is. Nobody has to tell me. Also, I didn’t go
to Yale and my
Daddy was never President.
Furthermore, I’m not beholden to
the Texas energy companies, global
engineering conglomerates, the timber and
commercial fishing industries,
acid rain generators, arms merchants, Big
Tobacco, Big Oil, Big Chemistry
or Big Church. None of them have
ever
contributed to any of my past campaigns. So think of me as a vote you can
really feel good about.
At
one time I thought I'd never pass the background check if I
decided to run
for major office. But now, thanks to Brother Bill, I'M
PRESIDENTIAL
MATERIAL!!!!!!!!!!! I DID inhale, and I freely admit. But I
also
exhaled. There’s value in that, not
to mention political capitol. I
grew
up in the South, so I know how valuable candor is to the American
people.
If that doesn’t make sense, just read or see any Tennessee Williams
play
and you’ll know.
Furthermore, I am, have always been, and shall continue to
remain a
committed FLAMING HETEROSEXUAL. Times have gotten tougher for
flaming male
heterosexuals since I was in college, and that's one of the
things I'm
going to fix WHEN I AM ELECTED. So vote for me, H. Scott
Prosterman as your
next president.
Before somebody goes accusing me of going off on some ego trip
or
something, let me assure you unequivocally that I'm fully aware of the
serious
time commitment this entails. I
know that when I become president I
won't have as much time to swim or nap,
even on weekends. So, this
undertaking is not without sacrifices. And I’m
sure there will be days when
I have to have aids brief me on Sportscenter
highlights. But those are the
kinds
of sacrifices I’m prepared to make.
I’m not afraid to roll up my
sleeves and earn my salary. You'll be able to say you knew me when
. . .
In the interest of campaign finance reform, I am not accepting
campaign
contributions. But as a bona-fide presidential candidate, I
reserved the
right to flip-flop on this. This is where you come in. If all
my friends on
my e-mail list, e-mail all their/your friends on your e-mail
list, and ask
them to do the same; then by next month, I expect to have
California, New
York, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Illinois, the Virgin Islands,
Minnesota,
Ohio, Ontario*, Georgia and Tennessee in my pocket. I’m
conceding Texas, but if my high school and college
buddies come through, we
can also take Mississippi and Arkansas. Since Memphis is in those states
too,
that almost makes me a native.
See, I’ve got a lot going for me.
I'm still not sure how to campaign in the states where I don't
know
that many people, but maybe you folks can help. If you live in a Red
state,
I can really use your help. I live
in a Blue state, but I grew up in
a Red state, surrounded by other Red
states. And I have a lot of family
in
Red states, so my chances are good.
You gotta' admit, it's time for a change, right? And who better
than
me as your next Prez, huh? You will all be invited to snooze (bunkover
or
nap) in the Lincoln Bedroom, pending availability. And those of you
who've
treated me REALLY well over the years are in line for
ambassadorships. My
uncle Mel from Florida was an ambassador.
He earned his
post by raising millions of dollars for both Bush’s in
Florida. Honestly,
now does
that seem hard? I’m looking
forward to replacing Uncle Mel with
someone from the other side of the
family. But since Uncle Mel’s also
family,
I’ll let him keep a room in the embassy and his credentials. See,
I’m bi-partisan too, unlike
the current occupant of the White House.
OK, enough small talk -- it's get out the vote time. Spread the
word.
Oh yeah, my platform. You gotta' have heart and you gotta' have
a
platform. It was Ringo Starr who said, "you gotta have 'art," when
what he
meant was "heart." Those Brits, like most foreigners have
accents, but
unlike my adversorry, Pat Buchanan, I think cultural diversity
is enriching
for this country, and has given us a lot more good Indian and
Thai
restaurants. We have 17 Indian restaurants here in Berkeley, servicing
a
population of 100,000. There are even more in San Francisco. Is this a
great country or
what?
But anyway, I was talking about my platform, or I was about to.
My
platform is my favorite toast, which many of you have been privileged to
hear
me recite: “Good sex, good food, good humor, good friends, good herbs,
financial
security, world peace and spiritual fulfillment in general.” I
have position papers on all these
things. If anyone has anything else to
add, I am, of course, open to
suggestions. After all, I'm a presidential
candidate now and I think you'll
find that I'm more accessible and
approachable than ever. So try me.
And if anyone
wants to be a campaign manager for a particular
state or territory, please
reply by Friday night, so we'll have some time to
organize.
I feel good about this, and I like my chances. I'm in this to
win,
not just for the experience.
Qualifications: I was on student government at Michigan.
-I organized the campaign to save the $5 Fine in Ann Arbor.
-I've voted in almost every election since I've been eligible.
-I got a B in Civics at Richland Jr. High, even though I did A
work.(Story
of my life.)
-I'm tri-lingual; I've tried a lot of languages but only really
mastered
English.
-I learned how to haggle in the Arab markets of Cairo, Amman and
Jerusalem.
-I can work with constituents and adversarial colleagues alike,
as
evidenced by my having friends and associates all across the political
spectrum
from Ibo Tusi (Marxist leader of the nation of Acrrabu and former
classmate)
to Ronnie Landau (Jewish Republican from Memphis who supports Pat
Buchanan).
(Only one of those people is fictitious, can you
guess who?)
See, when I'm President, we'll have some fun too. I'm not ALL
business,
you know, and that's an image I've been fighting all my life. I
mean, my
work ethic is great, but not THAT GREAT. I know how to party a
little too.
Anyway, I hope I haven't understated my message or the cause. So
I'll
summarize:
"Vote for me, H. Scott Prosterman, for President and feel
better fast!"
Love Ya Madly,
H. Scott Prosterman For
President in '04.
scottp33@earthlink.net
*Officially,
Ontario is a Canadian province, but one of my first acts as
president will
be to swap Montana for Ontario with Canada. Since Windsor is
actually south of Detroit and Montana
looks and feels like a Canadian
province, I expect they’ll go for it.