In bold fashion, Uncle Ben’s Rice and Taco Bell shall announce, in a joint press conference, expansion plans for North Vietnam. An American rice processing plant in the Far East is a natural the former will say as the latter, beaming over a burrito, smiles about the future of rice and beans. Caught unaware, Secretary of State Madeleine Albright will publicly praise this as an opportunity for mutual understanding and reconciliation. Privately, the outrage at being upstaged will prompt her to shove Janet Reno into an investigation for antitrust violations. Concurrently, her Vietnam-era counterpart, Dean Rusk, will claim he was “waging peace” all along.

Equally astounding, the Lender’s Bagels TV campaign, aside from the usual product hype, will admit to using advertising for profit. Spending dough to make dough will be the theme. Speaking off the record, a key executive will confirm that Michael Jordan will not be hired as a shill. “We retain our uniqueness that way. Now Benjamin Netanyahu, that would be different.”

His rebounding stats in sharp decline, Dennis Rodman, hair the colors of red, white and blue, will admit that he’s signed-on with ESPN to co-host a sports talk show with Marv Albert called Two Bad To Be Good. Sandwiched between women’s arm wrestling and the latest tapes of South American bolo games (basketball and polo combined), the first half-hour program will spotlight the decline of umpires and referees. Is this due to incompetence, being on the take, or both? Stay tuned.

Throwing a curve at rival professional sports, baseball owners will reap wintertime publicity by leaking the sizable salary incentives planned for players who do not father out-of-wedlock children. The ACLU will immediately file a “friend of the court” brief on behalf of the Players Association claiming infringement of their rights as free agents.

Facilitator will replace such words as counselor, therapist, psychologist, mentor, husband and wife.