Hoarded at
Celebrating cutting edge advances in the Doublethink of the 90's
Written by Wayne Grytting


Take Back the Night

Bozell Worldwide, the producers of those milk ads featuring moo-staches, has produced a fine memo for their new employer, the liquor industry, suggesting it spend $20 to $40 million on cable TV ads in a campaign to "own the night". Bozell was hired by the Distilled Spirits Council to help stem a 40% drop in hard liquor consumption since 1980 that has led the industry to shelve their self-imposed ban on TV advertising. All of which poses the question of how does a cutting edge ad agency skirt around a call to Americans to get drunk. Bozell's answer: a "communications" effort to "rebuild occasion frequency." Spokeswoman Judy Blatman defends the industry's ad campaign by noting: "This is a highly competitive industry and we are just trying to compete on an equal footing with beer and wine." That would certainly seem to justify rebuilding America's "occasion frequency". (WSJ 2/23/99)

Just Say No Dept.

Those who remember the horrors of marihuana smoking portrayed in the classic film "Reefer Madness" will want to obtain copies of a new pamphlet entitled "How Parents Can Help Children Live Marihuana Free." This pamphlet is being actively promoted by upstanding Senators like Orrin Hatch (R-Utah). Besides providing valuable information on the dangers of drug usage, this leaflet breaks new ground in recognizing some of the signs of pot smoking. These include "excessive preoccupation with social causes, race relations, environmental issues, etc." Finally, we have a simpler means to ferret out these devious pot addicts. It's too bad we can't train dogs to sniff out individuals carrying books on these topics and simply ship them off to drug rehabilitation centers. (Solidarity 3/99)

Friendly Banks

The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation has been encouraging banks to "Know Your Customer". They've even proposed regulations to require banks to get to know every customer's "normal and expected" transactions and develop standardized systems to report any inconsistent behavior. The beauty of the proposal is that it not only puts banks to work spying on customers, it also makes them foot the bill. The proposal has elicited a storm of protest by privacy advocates that may derail it. But this does not seem to worry the FDIC. Says spokesman David Barr, "(We could) just give bankers some guidance. Many people may not know this, but many financial institutions already have a Know Your Customer program in place." Certainly reassuring news. And I suspect the bankers will only require the minimal amount of "guidance". (Wired 2/20/99)

The Public-Corporate Family Thing

An important breakthrough has finally occurred on the corporate sponsorship front. While many public agencies have raised needed funds by accepting official corporate sponsors, to date, no city has simply throw open all its doors. Now Sacramento has taken the lead by putting the whole city up for sale. This past year their city council approved a "Capital Spirit" program to raise $2 to $5 million a year by matching all city departments with corporate sponsors. The plan calls for having official car rental agencies, ice creams, soft drinks, food suppliers, etc. There will even be an official undergarment supplier for the police and fire departments. In return sponsors will get exclusive marketing rights and be enabled to be seen as "part of the community". To worried critics, Councilperson Michelle Nelson answers "Trust us." She says the sponsorships will be "tastefully balanced" and not harmful "to what we hold valuable." (It's the "we" part I have a little trouble with here.) (Mokhibar/Weissman 2/99)

Safety in the Bedroom

Six women in Alabama are challenging a state law passed last year, thanks to the efforts of the legendary Governor Fob James, banning the use of sex toys. Specifically, the law outlaws the selling or distributing of "any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs'' and makes it punishable by up to a year in jail and a $10,000 fine. State attorneys argued in court that similar bans in Texas and Georgia have been upheld (congratulations) and that legislators have broad discretion in passing laws to protect the public from "harmful products". Thank goodness someone has finally recognized the dangers of vibrators. A year in jail seems like a small price to pay to avoid such a serious potential for injuries. (AP 2/17/99)

Special Thanks to Jake Sexton and Paul Loeb for spotting quality Newspeak. Send in your own examples or get on the mailing list or harass moi by e-mailing to